


When It Rains

by Howls_Anus



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sad with a Happy Ending, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28275084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howls_Anus/pseuds/Howls_Anus
Summary: You were a gift to the avengers. You were truly a ray of sunshine in their very violent and stressful lives. Unfortunately, the sun can't shine forever. There's bound to be some rainclouds.And when it rains it pours.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	1. The Sun

**Author's Note:**

> This is my view on what depression can be like. As someone who struggles with PTSD and depression, I know my own experiences can be different compared to others. Please be kind and I'm going to try my best to update on a regular basis :) 
> 
> Thank you and without further adieu, my story.

When things were good, they were great. The entire team could tell when things were good, when _you_ were good. It was like rays of sunshine glowed over the entire compound. Your smile and laughter had the ability to make the avengers smile after any mission, no matter how stressful or difficult.

You were, in all honesty, extremely observant and luckily you only used that for good. When things were good, you became a natural caretaker of the team. Tony called you the “squad mom” in a fashion that was somehow both offensive and loving, exactly like him.

You always knew when someone needed a blanket or when someone needed a hug. Food made by you was always a delicacy, having spent many years as a self-chef. Whenever any avenger came home from a mission, there would be their favorite dish waiting for them. The individual snacks you made for each person was always a hit.

When you loved, you loved fiercely. Always there to lend a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. Sometimes, you’d have the most bizarre conversations with yourself because the other person was too lost in their head to respond but too scared or broken to be left alone. You somehow always knew what the team needed. You were the glue that kept everyone together.

When things were good, you loved to try new restaurants, diners, food trucks, or bakeries. You would go out with Natasha and Wanda at least every other week. It was a rotating choice: first, you pick, then Nat, then Wanda. You’d catch up, gossip, and laugh together. Sometimes you’d dress like bums. You didn’t want to be recognized by even the most observant person. Sometimes the girls wanted to just blend into the background with some greasy New York pizza and walk through the park, just like an everyday citizen.

Some days though, you three would dress in the most elegant and sparkly dresses you owned. Floor-length gala gowns, short silk dresses, and fit and flare party dresses. You’d show up to the highest-rated restaurants ready to turn heads and make mouth drop. You loved to do it, to feel on par with these two beautiful agents, even though your boys certainly were jealous when they saw the beauty you were showing to the world.

You never regretted those times, even if – when you got back from going out – you were so socially exhausted you sometimes wouldn’t have the energy to do much more than wiping off your makeup and fall into bed.

*~*~*~*

When things were good, you loved to cook treats for the avengers. You knew Clint loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, so you wanted to introduce him to _grilled_ PB&J sandwiches. He was ecstatic. His face lit up with glee and he very quickly finished off the remaining sandwich. He was praising your cooking skills when the two of you heard footsteps. Clint’s grateful smile quickly turned into a sly grin as he raced out of the kitchen. Though you soon realized why when you heard his voice.

“Thor! Bucky! Did you guys know about grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Buck your girl is a genius!” He dragged them over, willing or not you were unsure. Regardless, Bucky smiled and wrapped his arms around your waist.

“Damn right she’s a genius. Now, you gonna make us whatever Clint’s yelling about, doll?”

“Hell yeah, I am.” You flipped two new sandwiches for the boys. During that time, Clint disappeared once again. Of course, not before asking for a second sandwich. And as always, you entertained his request for more food.

Just as Thor was trying it, Clint burst into the kitchen dragging along Natasha, Steve, and Bruce. The same conversation ensued, except this time Steve kissed your forehead. Before Clint could even open his mouth, you had three more sandwiches on the grill.

“Let me guess. You want them to try it too? Way ahead of you buddy.” You smiled to yourself as you quickly began to whip up more sandwiches. When they were finished you watched patiently as everyone finished eating and smiled wide. You knew Clint would want another sandwich but decided to ask the entire group. “Who wants seconds?”

Everyone raised their hand and you beamed.

*~*~*~*

Thor and Sam loved to train with you even if them going easy on you still felt like getting beat up with a mac truck. Bonding with them always made your days brighter. After you’d always let them carry you back to the main living room because often your body would be much too sore to even think of moving. At that point, you wouldn’t care, even if it did make your two super soldiers green with envy and simmer with jealousy.

Speaking of your two soldiers; they loved when things were good. They loved you no matter what, but when you were good, they were great. Steve in his free time, would seek you out immediately.

Bucky adored you and everyone knew it. They saw it in the way he looked at you like you hung the moon and stars. It was in the way the atmosphere always lifted when you’d walk into the room. The way you two could always calm each other down. Often, Bucky wondered if you could read his mind, then maybe he could save you from your bad days. When things were good, your ability to soothe his storming mind was a talent in and of itself. He often thought that he’d go through hell and back for you and his Stevie.

Bucky knew he wasn’t a good man. Often, he questioned if he even had a right to stay alive after everything he’d done. But when you smiled at him. When Stevie hugged him. When things were good and you gave him all the love he was so undeserving of? He knew he would do it all over again to get the life he currently was so unjustly blessed to deserve.

Steve was the same if we were to make a long story short. Steve often felt like he had a persona to fill. To his team, he was the avenger’s leader. To the public, he was the ever so perfect Captain America. To his enemies, he was an unforgiving protector of the things he believed in. To you though? He was just Stevie. With you, he had the ability to just be himself. Whenever Stevie was suffering through artists' block, he just needed to look at you or Bucky. He could draw the two of you separately for hours. Together? A force to be reckoned with. Steve could study you both for hours. On rare nights where sleep evaded him instead of Bucky, that’s exactly what he would do.

Sometimes Bucky and Steve would have doubts. If they were right to bring you, someone who is otherwise a civilian, into their violent and uncertain world. But they were selfish, and they would keep you for as long as you would have them. They loved you, and though they didn’t say it often, they always wanted you to know it.

To the avengers, you were an irreplaceable part of the team. You really did make every day better. Coming home to you, whether platonically or romantically, always lifted their spirits. You were the number one reminder of why they fought so hard after all. To protect the things, they loved. When you were good, things were wonderful. Unfortunately, as the saying goes:

When it rains, it pours.


	2. Rain clouds

Depression was something you always struggled with. It was there as long as you could remember, sticking to you like white on rice. Sometimes it was hard for others to understand, but you were grateful that they couldn't. You didn't wish this kind of pain and numbness on anyone. 

Remember how we mentioned that when it rains it pours? Let's rephrase that so it makes more sense. When you were good, it was like the sun. So that's what you called it. The sun shined out of your personality. The warmth of kinder and more forgiving thoughts. When the sun was out all you wanted to do was go out and play. You were happy, content, pleased, or whatever one might call it. You could go quite a while like this, even a couple of months, and everything would be, in your opinion, pure bliss.

It never lasted forever though. Eventually, the sun would disappear from the sky and - just like the weather - you could feel the change but couldn't do anything about it. No matter how much you wanted to fight it, you couldn't. The darkened clouds would roll in and with it the symptoms of a storm. 

You'd start forgetting things. You'd drop things easily like raindrops that fell freely from the sky. Clumsiness, a distant cousin of yours, would quickly become your sister. Fatigue your brother and numbness your close friend. 

Sometimes it would creep up on you, like a predator on its prey. If it came all at once you'd be able to notice and try to ask for help. So instead, it adapted and would lull you into a false sense of security as you were slowly pulled behind the dark clouds just like the sun.

*~*~*~*

Today you woke up to an empty bed. You'd thought it odd because you always woke up to at least see off your soldiers. Yet you had no recollection of doing it. You stretched and bleary eyes landed on the digital clock on the side of your bed. 12:45 pm stared back at you in angry red numbers. Letting out a soft groan, you cringed as you tried to sit up. Your body ached and your head echoed painfully. You did remember passing out around 9 last night but it felt like you'd slept for 15 minutes instead of 15 hours. It had been like this for a week now. You were quick to sleep and slow to rise. 

"Friday?" 

"Yes Ms. Y/N?" Your robotic friend answered immediately. 

"Is there anyone in the compound right now?" You massaged your temples and meandered to the bathroom. You felt sticky with sweat and briefly wondered if you'd had a stress nightmare. 

"Sam, Wanda, and Bucky are in the building. The rest departed for a mission this morning but are expected back by Friday." 

Fuck. You can't believe you didn't get to say goodbye to Steve! You sighed and nodded. "Thank you, Friday." 

"Anytime Ms. Y/N."

You scratched your head and sighed. Today was Wednesday so you'd have to wait two days to see him. There wasn't much you could do. _It's not the first time and it probably won't be the last,_ you thought. For now, let's focus on getting dressed. How long had it been since you showered? You didn't yesterday, nor the day before and you were starting to smell. 

It wasn't an attractive look. 

So, you turned on the shower and undressed. 

_Good lord, how long have I been wearing those?_ You felt three times cleaner with just the fabric off of your skin. _I'm sure a nice hot shower is exactly what I need to get out of this weird mood._

Then you stepped into the shower and relished in the steamy water hitting your skin. You quickly wanted to wash up and get out but those thoughts disappeared into thin air like steam. As you washed your skin, your mind drifted.

_I've been sleeping so much and so late lately. I really need to try harder and be more present._

It spiraled and floated.

_I hope the others won't be too mad at me. Especially, Steve. I hate disappointing him, especially since he does so much for me._

What was once a slowly moving, sunny train of thought was now a burning, scary downward spiral.

_What if he and Bucky come to hate me? I already know I'm such a burden on them and what if they finally leave m-_

You let out a startled cry when you felt the once hot water spurt out an ice-cold jet stream. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! What the hell? I really need to pay more attention to shit."

You wrapped yourself up in a towel and jumped out of the shower to get brush your teeth and didn't notice how your eyes refused to look at your own face. You pulled on some lazy day sweats and ignored the quiet shiver of disgust that ran down your spine when you saw your naked body. You tried to shake off your not-so-good feeling. You chalked it up to the cold shower and decided to file your foggy feeling away to check on it later. 

You decided you were feeling fine and walked out of your room in hunt of your soldier.

*~*~*~*

"Looks like the dead has risen!"

"Hey, doll thought I was gonna have to come wake you myself." 

You smiled at the two men when you walked into the common area. Clint was on the couch in the living room watching a fast and furious movie. Which one? You had no clue. They all looked the same after a certain point anyway. You watched one and you figured you'd watched the entire series. 

Bucky stood over the stove in the kitchen, stirring something in a pan. His hair was tied back in that perfect way you loved and it made your heart flutter. 

"Hey, Clint! Still on about the fast and the furious?" You lightly smacked the back of his head as you passed by. 

"Ow! Damn it Bucky! Get a hold of your girlfriend!" 

He chuckled as you hugged him from behind. Bucky set the fire on low and turned his body so he could wrap his right arm around your torso. "Way ahead of you." 

"You two are ridiculous. So sweet it makes me sick!" He stuck his tongue out at you and turned the movie up louder.

You giggled and rested your head on Bucky's chest. You always felt better here, wrapped in warmth and love. Some days it felt like this was what kept you afloat on stormy days when the sea threatened to drag you asunder.

"You hungry baby doll? I made pancakes and eggs for you."

Unfortunately, even the brightest lights couldn't save you from meeting the darkness all the time. 

"I could eat, yeah." 

_Could_ being the operative word but you weren't particularly hungry. Guilt would eat at you though if you didn't even try to eat when Bucky had taken time out of his day to cook for you. So you agreed and sat down. Buck plated your brunch and the smile he gave you when you took the first bite was breathtaking. 

"How did you get to be so good at cooking?" You pointed your fork his way.

"Easy. It impresses the ladies. Though it doesn't hold a candle to your dishes."

"Ha, I think we're both evenly matched. Plus you're impressive enough." A second bite and your stomach felt strained.

"All that matters is you think that way doll." If Bucky said anything else you certainly didn't hear it. Fuck, you didn't know how much you could keep eating for. Besides if you were to continue eating like this you'd become a whale, too ugly and fat to look at yourself anymore. That thought, of being too big and as a result being unattractive or even repulsive to the people you loved, was nauseating. 

Normally, you'd be able to ignore such unpleasant thoughts with logic and a clear mind. Realistically, you knew that neither Bucky nor Steve were attracted to you just because of your body. They loved you as a whole and would stay by your side no matter what the scale said. Usually, you also realized that comparing yourself to anyone on the avenger's team was a one way street to feels-bad town. These were hardened soldiers and battle-ready agents that fought off literal monsters. But today, either your mind was working or the fog that was slowly creeping across your brain made it harder to think logically or you were being too sensitive lately. Maybe it was both. You couldn't compare yourself to anyone on this team because it would be a crushing defeat. It made you nearly have a hot flash when you thought of it. 

So, instead, you stood up abruptly, not realizing how you startled both Clint and Bucky in the process. You plastered on the best smile you could and kissed Bucky on the head. "Sorry, honeybear I'm full right now but you're a sweetheart for cooking this for me. I'm gonna head to my room. I forgot something actually."

You fled before Bucky could say anything, feeling guilty, ugly, and ashamed. You missed the look that Clint and Bucky shared with each other. Worry was mirrored in both of their faces and Bucky dimly dwelled on the fact that you said "your" room. Not "our" room.


End file.
